Whatchu talkin' 'bout?

A night of entertainment and a lot of laughs

2007-02-08T19:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went to the Miss Mississippi preliminary pageant at the local college.

There were 4 contestants.

"Hey, self, " I thought. "The worst a contestant can do is to be named 3rd runner up. 3rd runner up in the Miss Miss. Preliminary is nothing to be ashamed of."

Well, folks. Wow. I was in for a treat.

High point of the night:

When asked about why she chose the platform of childhood obesity, one contestant answered:
"My family and friends were physically and verbally abused by their obesity."

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from rolling. I immediately thought of a big belly button/mouth yelling up at someone, "Hey... you. You're fat! Fatty, fat-fat."

Other interesting points of the evening:

When the emcee introduced the ballet dancing contestant (ya'll, she was just a contestant in a tu-tu. She no more knew ballet than I do. Her tu-tu was pretty though), she said, "She will be dancing to 'Ave Maria", made popular by Celine Dion."
One young contestant danced in a zebra-inspired costume to Michael Jackson's PYT - Pretty Young Thing. Words cannot describe.
A lovely contestant (I really thought she had it in the bag) unfortunately chose to sing: She belted with confidence, but I don't believe she actually hit one note. Not even a little one. And not even close.

So, that was my evening. All that AND I cleaned out my pantry. Woo-hoo!

This is SO incredibly awesome

2007-01-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

This is the best song I have heard in a long time. In fact, it even beats "Jump in my car" by the Hoff.

You really must watch this. Just please, don't watch it at work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVOYT6MMAxs

All the little children of the world

2006-11-28T19:45:00.000-08:00

I have a friend that has a beautiful little daughter. She is adorable and friendly and about to turn 3. And when she recently sat on Santa's lap, she carefully asked for what she wanted most this holiday season. While most (almost) 3-year-olds are asking for Tickle Me Elmo, Dora the Explorer, or Thomas the Train, what did this little one ask for?

A bathrobe and a flashlight.

This proves that reincarnation is FACT. She must have been a retired Jersey woman who lived in Florida with her cat in her past life.

The hilarious thing about all this? She is pumped about the idea of getting these things. Can you imagine?

"Mommy doesn't like it when you tell her to 'shut up". It makes Santa's elves put you on the naughty list. And then he won't bring you the bathrobe OR the flashlight."

Take that, ELmo.

The disappointment that was: Leonid Meteor Shower - November 2006

2006-11-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

Last week, I was jaunting around the web space and found an article about the Leonid meteor shower that was to take place last weekend. This shower was to spectacular for those in the Eastern US. The possibility of 150 meteors per hour.

I was psyched, people. 150 per hour! I had thoughts of a beautiful, clear night - meteors firing off like rockets-- man, was it going to be good.

The hubby (AKA: man blogs even less than the others in our "web ring of indifference") and I made our plans: We would head to my parents house in the country to view this spectacular display of nature.

We were pumped and prepared for the exciting journey - We had blankets, caps, gloves and coats - and even snazzy scarves. After all, if Mother Nature was to be all dressed up -- good manners dictates we do the same.

My parents even caught the excitement. We watched the news and local weatherman reported that this shower was to be bright like "fireballs." FIREBALLS! Extraordinary. We went outside. And we waited. --- Saw one. 15 minutes later, we saw another. The peak time was supposed to be 10:45. We were just waiting for it to get started. Unfortunately, it wasn't what we had hoped for.

I think in an hour, we saw a total of 6. Not quite the 150 "fireballs," we were counting on.

Mother Nature totally punked me.

Dear Lost...

2006-11-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

You had me at "hello." You had me at "hello."

Some of these are great

2006-10-31T15:33:00.000-08:00

I just ran across the site: http://www.palmercash.com.

They have some cool shirts -

Like this: http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=643
http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=266
http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=234
http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=344
http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=240

Bo and Luke-

You could stock up on these for Christmas--- You could really hand them out like candy:
http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=530

wow. this is wrong (but I laughed. And then felt really bad)
http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=341

And there's this:
http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=650

That's it. Just a blog of utterly useless links. Enjoy. To quote the great K-Fed, "Happy Halloween, bitches."

Starbucks sucks - and stuff

2006-10-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

Why did I just pay $3.21 for a cup of coffee? Let me clarify that: Why did I just pay $3.21 for crappy coffee?

Starbucks coffee is crappy. Everyone (including the King of Pooka-Pooka) knows it. But every time I see a crazy desk jockey or frazzled mom calmed by the idea of "this wonderful stuff", I have to try it again. Yes, I am an advertiser's wet dream.

I need to stop buying into this because:

Man, the coffee tastes BAD. All burned and frizzled (props to the Farley’s for "frizzled"), it is just not tasty. It is the culinary equivalent to "hot ham water."
I can't afford it. We all know that J-z is in school. I work for the state of Mississippi. I make peanuts. Why would I think that I can afford $3.21 coffee? Because I am brainwashed. Can I sue Starbucks for making me poor? I mean, I certainly don't want to be held accountable for my lack of financial restraint. Do you think that I can apply for food stamps to support my coffee habit? I mean, it's not fair that others can afford crappy coffee.... Do you think Starbucks has an "underprivileged" coffee fund to support those like myself?
The cups make me feel bad about myself. My cup is talking to me. Printed on my cup is the phrase:
The world is smaller than you think and the people on it are more beautiful than you think. - Bertram van Munster

I think that is a lovely idea. But then I get bummed because I haven't had any lovely ideas lately. Why? Cause I am working in a job making peanuts AND I am drinking coffee I can't afford. AND, shit, I forgot to say de-caf which explains this insane rant about coffee.

I think I am going to go clean the house with the pent-up energy. Maybe when I am done, I will reward myself with a Frappuccino.

I think it's time we talked....

2006-10-18T16:18:00.000-07:00

Look, "Lost"... I hate to be the one to give ultimatums.

Shhhhh... I know it upsets you, honey. No one likes to be told, "Put out or get out." But how do you think I feel when I hang on every word, every nuance, every little breadcrumb that you have offered up for the past 2 years? I have been your willing slave. I have loved you like no one else can.

Remember when we were first together? Who would try to figure out your quirks, your shades of gray, and your history? That's right, baby. It was me. I WANTED TO KNOW YOU.

Those first years were magical. You were my mysterious white knight. You were just plain sexy and had this way of drawing me toward you. AND I felt the love.

Lately, you just haven't been holding up your end of the deal. In the beginning, I found you intriguing. Now when we are together, I find myself aimlessly flipping channels and watching "The Biggest Loser." THE BIGGEST FREAKIN' LOSER. That is so sad.

I am pleading with you, snookie. Please try again. I know how good things can be AND I know it can be like that again. PLEASE, don't make me live without your love.

I am taking a long look at myself and I don't like who I am becoming. If this relationship isn't going anywhere, I should be devoting my time to other things-- Like doing laundry and taking out the trash. Or napping. Lots of napping.

It is time that I take care of myself. I am getting older and don't want to waste my time if you are just toying with me.

Pooh-bear, the time has come to put out OR get out.

"Porn" for a good cause

2006-10-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

For those who don't know, boobie-thon is a online boob show that raises money for breast cancer charities and aims to increase breast cancer awareness. I submitted my photo this year. (in the "Covered" section... and they are mighty fine, I might add... sorry, Bo.)

For those who want to see all types of boobs for a good cause (Don't do this at work), go to: http://www.boobiethon.com/photos06.html For a $50 donation, you can view the boobs that aren't covered. Hey, it's all for a good cause.

New address

2006-09-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

http://mcsassy.vox.com/

Frrrreeeeeaky.

2006-09-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

http://www.rathergood.com/lalala/

enough said.

Labor Day with Bo and Gary Coleman

2006-09-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

Bo and I watched BEHIND THE CAMERA: THE UNAUTHORIZED STORY OF "DIFF'RENT STROKES" on Monday night.

What a treat! Drugs, soft porn, bad parents! Catch phrases, teen sex, and a Mr. Drummond with a strange Irish accent!

Help Wanted:

Simon is the devil. Anyone have any suggestions to deter him from barking (other than killing him)?

It's the topic all the bloggers are writing about

2006-08-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

Katrina. I was in Houston last year during Katrina. Everyday, I felt huge amounts of guilt for sitting in my friend's air conditioned house, drinking iced tea, and having access to television reports -- I stayed glued to CNN for hours at a time - looking for every update about N.O. and Mississippi. I was hungry for any news about home and felt utterly helpless. My friends quickly tried to take my mind off things by Boggle tournaments... But even that turned into "Hurricane Boggle" (Hurricane words were worth double points: Fats, loot, surge, etc.).

When there were pleas by organizations to volunteer at the Astrodome to help with the evacuees (although at the time, we in our un-p.c. ways called them "refugees"). My roomie and I planned to go and help. We felt it was the least we could do AND it was a way to feel useful. Later that night, carjackings, robberies and rapes of volunteers were reported. People were instructed to be extremely cautious in their volunteer efforts. We decided against going.

Everyday (when I was able to actually get a line through to Jackson) I called and my brother and husband always sounded hot, sometimes drunk, and even once (due to the generous gift of pork)were well-fed and amused. (I realize that, yes, that sentence sounds dirty). I would usually call to find them drinking on the porch with a "gat" between them.

I felt so awful that I had such nice amenities, access to gas, books to read, clean clothes, and a good shower every night.

The only thing I was able to do was to contact the Red Cross and inquire about my uncle. He contacted the family about 10 days later. I received an e-mail from the Red Cross a few months ago stating they weren't able to find him.

I know that Mississippi and Louisiana are rebuilding and will continue to suffer the effects of the storm for years to come. And in other ways, so will Texas. I read this article on Yahoo news today. Hey, don't mess with Texas.

Tuesday night's dinner

2006-08-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

I need to figure out dinner for tomorrow night.

I have on hand:

2 pieces of cooked chicken marinated in italian dressing
fresh greenbeans
an apple
a stick of butter
assorted dried fruits
some awful corn/tomato casserole (I like both corn and tomatoes, but this was not good)
3 flour tortillas
a loaf of wheat bread
1 slice deli ham (1 very thin slice)
honey mustard

Does anyone have any dinner suggestions? Any culinary advice would be greatly appreciated.

To change gears: Alias Season 4 sucks.

Jeremy Piven.... I'm sure he's good, but I mean, come on

2006-08-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

Well, Will Arnett just lost to Jeremy Piven for best supporting actor in a comedy series.

Sad. So here's to Will.

Trivia from IMDB.com

Good pal of screenwriter/playwright Dave McLaughlin. One of Will's first screen roles was in McLaughlin's Southie (1998).
Speaks fluent French.
Attended French-speaking schools in Toronto.
Does voice-over work for GMC trucks and Lamasil tablets.

Hey Switzerland -- shake your moneymaker

2006-08-25T18:20:00.000-07:00

Wow! Such action - Such drama.

First, I haven't "blocked" anyone from my blog -- if I did, I certainly didn't intend to. Second, I care less about a "feud." Hey Hatfield, it's McCoy. Who cares?

I am assuming we are talking about the house. Details of the situation changed and it simply was not a smart move for us. I hate any problems that it caused. Period.

Happy weekend to all-

The Muffins Sing AND Dance.

2006-08-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

Remember when I announced that I thought Craig's List was the best ever.(just like 2 day's ago - wow. my world has changed so since then) I was so wrong (I am not afraid to admit, folks). I WAS WRONG.

THe bestlink EVER?

The singing, dancing muffin site. I love them. I wish I thought of them. I do.

http://www.muffinfilms.com

My favorites?

The Tree
MufFinale (Their beautiful sweet songs are stuck in my head)

The saddest? Harold It really changed the way I look at life. Carpe' Muffin, ya'll. Carpe' muffin.

Oh, and LUKE? Next time you head to C town, call your friend to eat some din-din.

And Bo - Happy belated birthday - I will refer you all to last year's birthday toast to Bo.

The Best. Link. Ever

2006-08-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

I love Craig's List. I love looking through it and reading the "missed connections" in Jackson. Comic gems each one.

For example:

Hot girl in the silver car on I-55 this morning - m4w - 26
This morning I saw you on I-55 around Water Works. You were driving a silver Mitubishi with the license plate WNT2PLY. I kept glancing your way, and it looked as if you were also glancing at me. You had the windows down. I took the County Line exit to
return my rental car for the weekend, but you kept going on 55. Then when I was coming up Jackson St, you had just exited 55 onto Jackson St. and I saw you again.

Or THIS lovely gem:

Mexican Restaurant in Madison - m4w
SWM w/ a bright green shirt said,
"Hey Ladies!" to two (2) beautiful girls smoking outside the restaurant. I saw yall again at the bar but, didn't want to pressure either one of you.

But the best things I have read in a while: The Best of Craig's List. Read and enjoy: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

The tale of grocery

2006-08-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, in a land far-away, there was Kroger on Terry Road. One day a not-so-young (but not-so-old, after all, 40 is the new 20 - so I guess I am 11) woman realized (gasp!) she needed groceries. Since her day had not gone as planned (she went to paint her former abode, but was met by 3 strangers), she decided to purchase groceries in the magical land of south jackson.

As she made her way through the crying babies and toothless trolls, she bought some frozen dinners, veggies, and a can of tropical fruit. As she walked away, she realized that she had been overcharged. She told the CSR of her plight, and was refunded the money. Then on the way home, she realized that she had been charged for THREE of something she only bought TWO of.

Moral of this story: Grocers can't be trusted. Kick bears in the junk. Paul Wall's grill is gross.

I'm Back!

2006-08-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

I am back. With high speed internet. THat's right, folks. I am zipping across the internet at a snail's pace no more. Nope. I am zippy. I may have to change the name of my blog to Zippy McFastypants.

On another note, I believe I am traumatized by J. Timberlake's new video. And Lance Bass is gay.

I will make another post before October. Rock on.

Knock-Knock

2006-07-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

Who's there?
I boughta house.
I boughta house who?
I boughta house and it is uuuuugggglllly.

Well, we did. Today. And it is. Ugly, that is.
But it is in a neighborhood with a lake and pool and HOA dues. And it will sell in 2 years. And it is painted the color of thrown-up pumpkin on the inside.

So, you all are invited to a painting party at the end of July. We will provide pizza, beer (and McCallister's tea, for those of you who prefer it).

It is ugly. But I secretly hope that they leave the water "feature" of the peeing boy in the rock garden. That is so fabulous it is awesome. I would color the water bright green and put a sign around his neck that says he's irish. I don't know why. I just would.

Personality tests and a one-eyed dog named Daisy

2006-06-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

Masked blogger - Damn you. You brought me out of sabbatical and made me write again (never gonna dance again... guilty feet...)

Today at work I discovered the Best. Personality. Test. Ever. Line up friends, lovers, family, etc. and do this test.

You will need exactly ONE one-eyed dog to perform said test.

Here is the 411:
Today at work, I was on the phone with a co-worker (some of you might know her -- others who ditch my parties won't know her - that's a whole other test for another day) and she saw a little dog on a very busy street looking confused and about to get hit. She stopped, dog hopped in (had no collar and my co-worker stopped and went to a few houses nearby - neighbors had no knowledge of dog).

She arrives to office, dog in tow. Sweet little dog - Looks like Simon (my annoying but sweet dog), but a little smaller and much more sweet. Dog immediately checks out the office, eyes the couch, hops up, and rests her nose on the arm. Dog heaven. I am in love with this dog.

One thing about this dog: She has one eye. But she is awesome. She knows she has one eye, but doesn't care. Daisy (we have named her) is too cool for school. She works her one eye.

Here is where the personality test comes in. Another co-worker (aka: porn star) sees the dog. He is not wooed by her charm. He says that the one-eyed "bitch" creeps him out. So he makes an eye patch for her. Sounds funny, right? Could have been cute (Daisy would make an awesome pirate) - BUT he makes it out of paper and TAPES it to her eye. Hello eyelashes! Poor Daisy. It was bugging her, so I had to remove it for her. She cried when I removed it because it hurt her.

When I removed it, he said he "couldn't look her because she was disgusting."

I wanted to say, "I feel that way about you sometimes, Chest Hair McDonelap"

But in the interest of office harmony, I didn't. I just passive aggressively said, "Daisy hates you."

So, if you want to see if folks that you are dating, befriending, etc. are complete and utter tools, you may borrow Daisy for a fee. All proceeds will go to buy her delicious treats and a series of fashionable hats.

FYI- If you know anyone who has lost a kick-ass one-eyed dog, please let me know. I have placed an ad in the Clarion Ledger and also have one on Craig's List - I made the mistake of FORGETTING to say it was a dog - so it basically read: "Found- Sweet, one-eyed female in the Byram/Siwell RD. area." Nice.

Turn off the TV week? I am too weak

2006-04-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

With all the blogosphere blogging like crazy with "secret" messages, I decided to get in on the action. But my post will be the OPPOSITE of secret, yo. (sorry, I think I just channeled K-Fed for a minute)

This week is national Turn off the TV week - cause it is rotting minds/destroying society/decaying morality, etc. I agree, but I can't turn it off.

Tried. I should read. I like to read. But my TV calls me. When it is quiet, it calls me with its little theme songs.

"In West Philadelphia, born and raisedOn the playground is where I spent most of my days.Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin all cool,And all shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school. When a couple of guys who were up to no good, Started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood.I got in one little fight and my mom got scared,And said You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air."

I can't help it. I like it. I do. I should hide now. And read a book.

Little boy blew: Tobias' legacy lives

2006-04-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

Overheard at my house today:

"A case of beer and a boat full of guys... Can't keep me away."

Wow. He really should carry a tape recorder for that kind of thing.

List of people I want to kick in the junk (list 1.3)

2006-03-23T18:06:00.000-08:00

Over the past few weeks, my list of folks whose jewels I wish to destroy has changed. The new list looks something like this:

1. Carl (see Carl's Calvacade of Crap)
2. Luke Luke should thank Carl for his CoC (tee-hee) because without it, Luke would be number 1.
3. Paul Wall
4. A certain Jackson-area preacher on television (I don't know why.. Everytime I see the commercial I just have an overwhelming urge - maybe it's the devil)
5. David Hartman ('nough said)
6. King Cake Elvis - He moved down my list because in retrospect, he may have been charming.

Some folks don't show up for parties (but BIG MAX is the World's Greatest Detective

2006-03-15T20:18:00.000-08:00

As we all know, Luke is sometimes someone who gets invited to parties, but never shows. Even when people (sweet, caring people!) call his cell phone. And cry. Well, if Luke does not attend the St. Paddy's Day Parade, I am washing my hands of the whole situation. Just washing them. WITH antibacterial soap, mind you. Serious business. For 30 seconds. With warm water.

I now know where the term "bail out" came from (as in: He isn't coming to the St. Paddy's Day Parade... He's bailed out). I personally feel that it is misspelled (seems to be missing a "y" and an "s" and has some extra letters), but understand how over time words often take on different spellings. In the depth of my sadness and disappointment, I would like to point out one thing: Big Max IS the World's Greatest Detective.

Put your lips around it... and blow.

2006-03-09T16:56:00.000-08:00

These are the instructions I heard during my lung function test at UMC on Tuesday. Then she called me a wimp.

I am not a "fan" of the test. I thought: I can breathe in a tube. No problem.

I was wrong. True: I can breathe in a tube. False: I can breathe in a tube AND follow directions.

I had to sit in a little "car" that looked like some egg that Mork would phone home in and blow. and pant. and suck. (After typing this, it is sounding dirtier by the moment - Sorry, Bo. You might find it disturbing)

I thought I would write a haiku about my experience:

Breathe. Suck. Blow. and go.
I do what she tells me to.
Add her to my list.

The List (part 2)... aka: the evolution of smashing the berries

2006-03-06T16:31:00.000-08:00

My list (of people that I want to kick in the junk) has just changed.

Knocking King Cake Elvis from the number one spot is: (drumroll, please)

Paul Wall

The list

2006-03-02T21:04:00.001-08:00

List of people that I want to kick in the junk:

1. King Cake Elvis
2. A certain Jackson-area preacher on television (I don't know why.. Everytime I see the commercial I just have an overwhelming urge - maybe it's the devil)
3. David Hartman ('nough said)

The tale of Swampfoot & King CAKE!

2006-02-27T21:44:00.000-08:00

My dog's new name is Swampfoot. It has been raining outside and he now has a condition known as "foot of the swamp."

I had this affliction in New Orleans last weekend. I don't know whether to wash my boots (swampboots) or just burn them (burn dem swampboots).

While in NOLA last week, I was watching a TV commercial for some Elvis selling a king cake. He was telling me to come get a "hunka, hunka king cake." It didn't make me want to eat king cake. It made me want to kick him in his junk.

Speaking of kicking folks in the junk, I am going to start keeping a list. So far the list only includes the king cake Elvis. But I am sure this list will expand.

Tiburon Film Fest here I come!

I may be famous, Amos

2006-02-20T20:33:00.000-08:00

One reason I like my current job: somethin' new every day.
One reason I don't like my current job: somethin' new every day.

At 11:45 a.m. I received a phone call from a "big boss" at my job asking me to come to her office. Right now. O.k. Either I did something good, something bad, or I need to do something. The latter turned out to be true.

Turns out, some national home makeover show will be in a hurricane ravaged area on Wednesday-Friday and they have asked some of our students to come help. And I was asked to go with. And take photos. And video. And "journal" the happenings. Great! I like it.

Well, unfortunately this information comes at a bad time. Mardi Gras is here and rooms can't be found. We may be sleeping in a van. I can deal with that. No biggie.

However, when they asked me to drive a van full of folks, I said "ummmmm. No" That would make me nervous. Driving a van full of students around a disaster area in the middle of Mardi Gras. I think this made me "not a team player" but I also think I would not be a "team player" if I wrecked a van full of students. Mr Meanie would not like that at all.

So, I guess I am off to the unknown. Will write more later. I hope to get a blue t-shirt.

Mr. Meanie IS ALIVE... and on my kitchen counter.

2006-02-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

Mr. Meanie lives in my kitchen.

You know how some people see the Virgin Mary in a piece of butteredtoast? Or say that she appeared in bathroom mold in their shower? Well, Mr. Meanie is in my kitchen.

I think my kitchen is angry with me for slacking on the household duties since I have been sick. When I saw my kitchen's reaction, I quickly did the dishes so as not to anger Mr.Meanie. I haven't cleaned him up yet. I am thinking of calling local media.

Happy V Day!

2006-02-14T17:18:00.000-08:00

My office door on Valentine's Day...

I made one of those valentine holders, like the kind you used to make as kid, and put it outside my office door. It says simply "Happy Valentine's Day. Gimme Candy." A co-worker suggested that might be a bit demanding, so I scrawled "please" at the end.

I did score some candy. But next year, I will spend more time and make a kick-ass card holder. It needs to be the best. one. ever.

New and Pink (Like a baby hamster) just in time for V-Day

2006-02-13T20:43:00.000-08:00

Hey! Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so I thought I would make my blog sickeningly pink while I tell Hallmark to take it up the bum.

So there.

I am hoping for a big box of chocolates.... I can eat them all, then blame it on the corporate machine that has brainwashed us all AND taken control of my thighs.

On another note, everyone in my house has been ill. Even Simon. He had a sinus infection and hubs and I had upper resp. illness/infection/death. One night last night when it was 20 degrees and we had to bring in Simon, he would cough, I would wake up and cough and then hubs would wake. It was awful but funny in an America's Funniest Home Videos way (Read: not funny).

The vet said give him a toddy of honey and whisky. I wish my medicine was that happy. Now I have a kidney infection and I feel like somone is jumping on my kidneys. If someone is and they are reading this post, please stop. Please. I will never drink soda again and I will only drink water. And eat cranberries. A diet of water and cranberries. Just stop jumping on my blasted kidneys.

I hope that you ALL have a wonderful faux holiday and don't get sucked in by "the man."

Here is an extremely crappy kitten poster for you. Happy Faux Holiday.

Gene Parmesan & JAKE HESS! and a party invite

2006-01-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

Hello. I am still alive (not that anyone cares, but I thought I would make this statement).

My hubby and I took a little trip this weekend to celebrate our seven years together without killing each other. For those in the know, this is quite an accomplishment. We celebrated by eating shrimp and playing pirate (shout-out M.O.A.!) mini-golf.

We went back to our hotel room and were watching TV (btw, Marriotts have the most comfortable beds now - they have memory foam mattresses and down comforters and delicious pillows... I guess Paris wanted a comfy place to film) and stopped on a Gaither family gospel sing along.

We sang along (it was late, we had a few frosty mugs) and it was fun. We noticed that they kept showing a man who had a Hitler moustache and a very bad toupee. VERY BAD. Turns out it was Jake Hess. We had tons of fun yelling "JAKE HESS!" (in the tone of STEVE HOLT!) everytime (and there were many) the camera showed him. We also had ABE VIGODA! and MEXICAN AL CAPONE! Hours of entertainment, I'll tell you that.

A VERY SPECIAL PARTY INVITATION

Who: To those of you who know where my house is located (or knows somone who knows):

What: You are officially invited to a party at my house this weekend for a CMT Miss America Pageant Viewing Party.

Where: My hizzle

When: 5:30ish-until... The pageant starts at 7 p.m. You are welcome to come anytime, but the festivities will begin around 5:30 p.m. to contribute to the Miss America drinking game and make a party hat.

Why: 'Cause. That's why.

Details: It is BYOB and please bring any ideas to go toward the Miss America drinking game. We will make hats (or crowns) and keep scorecards. It will be fantastically fun.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2006-01-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

Happy new year, blogosphere.

I had a fun night last night. Despite not getting invited to a brother-in-law's housewarming party and good friends choosing to get his Linus pulled rather than come over and party with his dear friends, I had a blast.

I partied with Mr. T, the freakin' gay pope, and a pro/con-life/death penalty- advocate/opponent.

Hats were made by all. Drunk dialing ensued. Mr T. did a jig. Bottle rockets were shot into trees. And there was glitter. (The craft embellishment, not the movie... although the movie was discussed, but not at length)

Folks stood us up and wouldn't bring ice OR ginger ale. But we were not deterred. We partied on. We almost missed the midnight countdown, but thankfully Ryan Seacrest reminded us that midnight was nigh. Resolutions were made. Photos were taken. All in all, it was a great night.

I have many things to be thankful for in 2005.

1. My marriage is solid
2. Sold my house, moved into a house with too much furniture.
3. Got a job making a lot less than what I was making, but I like it
4. I lost 40 pounds (but gained back 7 over the holidays *)
5. I am in closer proximity to family
6. My family is healthy and hopefully will avoid picnic tables in 2006

* This is a resolution for the new year - Lose around 15 pounds...

I hope every one has a happy new year. You all rock.

The life and times of the Actimac Hedaddy

2005-12-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

Turns out Luke is trying to turn Bo into an Actimac Hedaddy.

I don't know how to begin to respond to that.

So I won't.

In other news, I have a new job. I have a large office which now has a loveseat in it. For napping. And I have a very expensive beautiful camera. With which I have been taking photos of candles and Christmas decor all evening. And photos of my feet. (No one is home and I need to practice with this thing so I look like I know what I am doing). My feet aren't as exciting as the candle (which is sad... I need a serious hobby. Maybe crocheting. Our assistant does that all day long).

I want it to feel like Christmas. I am not feeling very Christmassy. Simon won't wear the reindeer costume and insists on barking and peeing in his house. It is his own private outhouse. Lovely.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful week. Do you realize Christmas is next Sunday? I must shop!

I think I want to play the guitar. Anyone want to start a band? We could be the Actimac Hedaddies. (TM... Patent Pending)

Howdy and such

2005-11-21T20:25:00.000-08:00

Today was not the best day. It was not the worst. But still, not the best.

This morning I went to get turkeys and balloons. My boss decided to pick up some turkeys, so I didn't have many, but I did have 30 helium balloons to contend with. Dangerous.

So I get to work, and it is raining. I get told to get outside and put signs on the median on Lakeland. In the rain. Cars are skidding. We are in the median putting out signs about free turkeys. I don't want to die like this.

I write an e-mail telling administration how I don't believe that putting signs about free turkeys on the median of Lakeland is in the best interest of the safety of Donor Recruitment Reps. THey e-mail me back that it is part of the job.

I am soaked and have a job interview. I haul butt to my house only to find that I have locked myself out. I almost cry. So I put on some lipgloss, throw my hair back and try hard to work the "wet" look.

My interview went well, I think. I apologized about my appearance and regaled them of stories of turkeys and balloons.

I head back to work where I have an e-mail from the boss in meridian telling us that we are worthless and we need to rethink our commitment to our positions, etc. Evidently, 60+ hours a week does not equal commitment in the minds of administration. I thought about sending him an e-mail telling him that his motivational tactics were poor. But I didn't.

When I got home, the wallpaper in the kitchen came down in a big clump. I started peeling and stripped the kitchen. Now I am priming.

On the plus side: the family guy is on and I am on the road all day tomorrow.

On the down side: If I don't get a new job, I am going to tell someone off and get fired.

30 Turkeys in a Saturn Eve

2005-11-20T21:32:00.000-08:00

Well tonight is the eve of putting 30 turkeys in a saturn. I am nervous, but hopeful.

I will give an update on all things turkey tomorrow. If anyone cares.

I love me some Holiday-Stew

2005-11-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

I love Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years... (Now known as Holiday Stew)

I love the chilly weather, the candles, the pomp, the fuzziness of all feelings.

Tonight, I bought a few CDs for my infamous Holiday CD (This year's suprise title: Holiday Stew: Sop it up with a biscuit)

I want to have a party and drink champagne and play Scattegories (sorry Bo. I love Scattegories... although Luke rocks at Scattegories and shames us mercilessly)

Speaking of: Luke, what are you doing for the first course of Holiday Stew?

On other notes: I have a job interview on Monday at 11:30 and at 8 a.m. I am putting 30 frozen turkeys in my Saturn. The question on everyone's mind is obvious: Will 30 turkeys fit in a Saturn?

Stay tuned.

Ill Children & the IRS

2005-11-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

Hello blog-world.

The IRS says I owe $4100.00 to Uncle Sam. I don't have it.

And, I almost quit my job today. And if it wasn't for the tuition that is already late and the fact that I have utilities to pay, I would have.

Someone of authority in my office, contacted one of my accounts and told them that we needed to come out to that business & have a blood drive because an area child was terminally ill and her family wanted to host a replenishment drive for family & friends. This was a lie.

I told this person that this behaviour was unacceptable, etc. and asked that it never happen with my accounts again. Ever. I feel like a whore.

Anyhoo, on brighter note: I am glad I have a job, because Uncle Sam's knocking & Mr. T's gotta work.

If anyone knows of any employment where folks have ethics/morals/values, please let me know.

MY WORLD IS OVER...

2005-11-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

I just read this: Networks cancel '7th Heaven,' 'Arrested Development"

OMG. MY. WORLD. IS. DARK.

i must cry now.

Humiliation... thy name is Turkey

2005-11-11T21:47:00.000-08:00

Today.

I am doing my job - vampiring at a local Wal-Mart. Walking up to folks (HWY 18 & Clinton) and asking "Would you be interested in donating blood today?" Fine. This is not my proudest moment, but I can deal.

The worst: Wearing a shirt with a LARGE turkey on the back that says: Thank a blood donor. Fabulous. One lady flipped me off.

Most people were kind, but busy (Hello. They are buying groceries... no time to give blood. But this is my job...."You can save three lives with one pint", I guilt. "During the holidays & with the hurricane, our blood supply is so low", I whisper.)

My goal was 14 units at each Wallyworld. I think I made 8 at each. I drank some juice and ate some cookies in celebration.

I did it all for the cookie. What? The cookie.

Bird Flu?

2005-10-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

I am on a quest to find the best chicken strips.

Here are the ones I have tasted lately:

Caines - too greasy and the sauce wasn't all that good
Abners - not crisp, but their grilled strips were good.
Wal-Mart - best bang for the buck. Very crispy
Chick-Fil-A - good. Tastes like a little strippy sandwich sans bun.
Zaxby's - too salty. Tastes like salty death X 2.

If anyone has any thoughts on the strips (or would like to form a club devoted to the love and dedication of finding "the perfect strip".... we could start a "strip club"), please let me know.

Bite me, blogosphere

2005-10-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

I have realized that some folks out in the blogosphere found my last post whiney.

Well, to you I say this:

I never intended for the post to read as though I thought that the circumstances that led to my current situation was anything other than a choice.
Bite me. It's my blog -- and as much as it is your right to respond, it is my right or CHOICE to be whiney.

That being said, I was in the fine city of Raleigh tonight and decided that I am going to buy some land and move to the hill in Raleigh. I will have a horse named Moesha and she will love me and only let me ride her. I will brush her tail. I will have 50 acres, a horse and a little house on the hill with a barn.

If you want to come visit, please let me know.

I Heart Everything

2005-10-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

Some days, do you ever drive down the road and have the urge to just keep going?

Do you think: I have some money with me and I could just keep going. Everything I need can be found at a Stuckey's. Food. (Check). Water (Check). Peanut Brittle (check). Everything I need for survival is at a Stuckeys.

Today was one of those days. I just wanted to keep going. One day I will. I won't pull a "runaway bride-they-kidnapped-me-and-put-me-in-a-van", but if you ever hear anyone say that I am crazy and I called and mumbled something about a Stuckeys having everything that I need and I won't be back for a week, just know that I am fine. I just needed some freedom on the open road.

Somedays to urge to runaway is overwhelming. Do you ever wonder how the hell you ended up where you are? I mean, what sequence of events caused you to end up in your current situation and what little disturbance to that sequence could have caused things to end up in an entirely different manner?

On a lighter note, I heart yogurt-covered raisins.... and they are high in iron.

Two posts in two days.... I am on fire!

2005-10-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today was a MONDAY.

Here is a synopsis of my day:

Wake up. Despite the cold that I have been fighting (and unable to go to the dr. because I won't have health insurance for another 30 days, because my job does not value my health), I drag my sorry rear out of bed. I get dressed, put on makeup, and fix my hair, ready to be a successful vampire.

I go to the kitchen, grab a lemon luna bar (because that is about the only flavor I can find around here) and a bottle of water and am about to head out the door.... But I can't find my keys. I search high. I search low. No stinking keys.

I call my husband (whom I had just given back the spare set of my keys on Sunday night) and he is in class and is unable to take my call. I have no keys and no way to leave the house.

I call into work and say:

I am not feeling well.
I have no wheels.

I realize that they don't care because:

we have no sick days (even with a dr.'s excuse, you still get an unexcused absence and written up, not that I could afford to go to the dr., because I have no health insurance) and
they aren't really buying that I have no way to get to work.

No one offers to come pick me up and I do not make enough money to pay for a cab, so I crawl in bed.

It turns out that my brother-in-law had put my keys in his pocket when he stepped out on the front porch on Saturday night to smoke a cigarette. See, cigs are the devil (kind of like fooseball)

So, I spent the day watching:

Dr. Phil (Girl wants to be just like Mary-Kate so much that she too became anorexic) and
Martha (wash your face with baby oil.... it's a good thing) and
reruns of the Gilmore Girls (when it was still amazingly snappy dialogue).

I need a new job. And another spare set of keys. And a muzzle for the little beast that lives in my backyard. And a vacation. And someone to help me unpack my boxes and pack up some of my grandmother's things. And a new hairstylist. And to lose 15 more pounds. And a vacation. And a pedicure. And a tan. And to see "chicago" with Tom Wopat. And a vacation. And a good lunch on Lakeland Drive (other than Primos, which I love). And a vacation.

I will quit complaining now, and go to bed.

My keys are resting safely in my purse.

Looking for BJF

2005-10-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

Hi all....

I am back again after a 1.5 month hiatus, just like arrested development. On this hiatus, I have moved to Mississippi (I miss groceries in Texas), gotten a job (I miss holidays, paychecks and the proximity of the nearest Target), and moved into my grandma's house (I miss my house, but am thankful to be able to live here).

Also, I have been searching for the elusive BJF. If anyone has seen the BJF, please take a photo of said JF with your camera phone and e-mail it to me immediately.

Also, if anyone would like to have lunch sometime, please feel free to call me. Bo, Luke, Mole and/or Vile Woman.... I need a reason to escape from the pit of hell... oh, I mean the office.

This weekend, TJF and I attended a murder mystery party where we dressed like pirates (Actually, he was a "privateer" and I was a "voodoo priestess"). It was a lot of fun, but thought it would have been a bit more fun with some ale.

Also, around this group, I kept wanting to make "Nice booty" jokes, but thought better of it.

Byram tidbits:

The Kroger in Byram needs a better selection of boca products, organic veggies, and luna bars.
Also, DeLuca's restaurant is pretty good.
Anyone know of a place to get a good pedicure?

Other tidbits:

Crystal Springs Elementary has such good kids... I don't know if they put drugs in the water or what, but they are extremely well-mannered.
TJF scored the winning TD in flag football today. The young-uns teased him by saying "Jerry Rice is out of retirement" - Tee-hee.
I hate the word "tee-hee"

I guess that is all. I will try to update more regularly....

Weekend Plans...

2005-08-26T13:24:00.000-07:00

My last weekend in Houston is upon me. I should be going to Astros games, going to Texans games, eating fajitas, toobin' down the river, going up in a space shuttle, and admiring how everything is bigger in Texas.

But instead, I am getting my hair trimmed and cleaning my office. I need to do something fun! I need to party in the streets! I need to dance on the ceiling (Lionel Richie has a gun pointed to my head and made me write that).

I should be out on the town, flying by the seat of my pants, gettin' krunk in a club... but instead I am in bed by 9. On the upside: I will be rested.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BO!

2005-08-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

In honor of Bo's day of birth, I want to pay homage to all the "Bo's" that have come before him....

Bocephus

Rambo

Rainbow Brite

Bo Duke

Peabo Bryson

Tae Bo

and let us not overlook the infamous "bo bo ski rotten totten" (pic not available)

To all those great Bo's.... Screw you... It's BoHica's day.

Cheers!

I know these are real words

2005-08-22T08:02:00.000-07:00

I have gotten into the nightly routine of playing Boggle and Scattegories with a few friends. They are very intelligent folk with immense vocabularies... but I can't believe that they haven't heard some of the words that I used.

Tolt: Ex: My mama tolt me not to do that, but I did it anyway.

Teets: Ex: Look at that woman. She has some large teets. (It sounds very exotic to say it this way)

Ferny: Ex: That area of the garden looks very ferny. (updated to say: That is a real word.... Ha! Chew on that, Word Haters - http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=Ferny

Also, when we played Scattegories, they kept smashing my creativity by not allowing my answers.

Something you throw away (Starting with "W") - Washed up actors.

Hobby: (Starting with M) - Missionary position

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have been robbed, people.

We got a big ass bunny in the office

2005-08-19T14:38:00.000-07:00

I am back after hiatus.

I have moved to Jackson, unpacked a Uhaul, painted a bedroom, driven back to The Woodlands, eaten a butterburger, given my 2-weeks notice, eaten another butterburger, and moved in with a friend for the last 2 weeks of employment.

She loves the Looney Toons.

So much so, that this morning, when I woke up under a bugs bunny comforter, stared sleepily out the bugs bunny striped curtains, and the bugs bunny clock on the wall told me it was 7:30 a.m. and then turned on the wyle e. coyote TNT lamp, I thought wow... this is a lotta looney toons goin on in this room.

But I like it and am thankful I am not living under a bridge.

Yep... I am about to be unemployed. Coworkers keep asking me what I am doing. One offered to move her RV to the pond on campus so I can have "lakeside living" if I agree to stay until the end of the year.

Sounds nice, I thought... Close to work, shopping, schools... If I don't like my neigbors I can just pick up and move. But nope. I am about to be jobless.

On another topic. I am in like with the word "krunk". I am still not sure how to use it in a sentence. According to the husband, I have no idea how to use it. But I don't care. Hopefully, I don't have a child in the next week. (I am not Angelina Jolie, so I don't have the means to fly to Ethiopia to adopt a child, so odds are I won't get a hankering for a baby in the next week) If I do have a child, its name would be Krunk Farley.

Yep. I'm unemployed.

On another note: The Office - very funny tv.

The stress.... must be gettin' to me

2005-08-03T18:49:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, I have sold my house and moving back to Mississippi while my husband goes to PT school.

We close next Wednesday.

Our realtor, Carol Hearn Miller, won't communicate with us or return our calls. I believe she is the devil. I wouldn't recommend her to anyone looking to sell or buy a house.

I need to pack. I also need to find a job so that I can pay my husband's fall tuition.

Tonight, I believe the stress got to me. I decided to go to the tanning bed just to get out of the house and so I can look tropically tanned as I pack my fine china.

So I am lying in the bed, listening to the radio and wearing those crazy protective goggles so my retinas don't combust and I loudly belt out Roxette's classic chorus, "Must have looooouuuuuuuuhhhhv... but it's ooooooooveeeerrrrr nooooooow" and then I repeat it.

Now I should explain that my tanning salon has walls, but they don't go up to the ceiling, thusly you can hear everything in every room. After a few times of singing this chorus, the owner comes to my door and says "Love... (that is what they all call me there... someone started it and it stuck... how Jennifer Love Hewitt of me), are you o.k.?"

I assured her that I was fine, but I do feel better. Thanks, Roxette. Thanks.

Seth MacFarlane... Why?

2005-07-25T22:08:00.000-07:00

Wow. Sometimes, too much of a good thing is nothing but bad. Really bad.

http://search.music.yahoo.com/search/?p=sexy+party&m=video

Cool Stuff

2005-07-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

This is cool.... Create your own: http://www.metaatem.net/words.php

Also cool:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/stewie-familyguy.html

2005-07-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me...

I love Arrested Development

2005-07-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

Congrats to the Emmy nods for:

Comedy Series

Lead Actor, Comedy Series
Jason Bateman - Arrested Development FOX

Supporting Actor, Comedy Series
Jeffrey Tambor - Arrested Development FOX

Supporting Actress, Comedy Series
Jessica Walter - Arrested Development FOX

Writing, Comedy Series

Barbie Adler -
Arrested Development (Sad Sack) FOX
Brad Copeland -
Arrested Development (Sword of Destiny) FOX
Mitchell Hurwitz, Jim Valley -
Arrested Development (The Righteous Brothers) FOX

Also, mad props to:

Lead Actor, Comedy Series
Zach Braff - Scrubs NBC

Sometimes when I watch these shows, I laugh so hard I pee my pants.

Self-indulgent chatter

2005-07-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

My birthday is Monday.

This is strange to say, because I'm not one of those "I'm telling everyone that comes across my path it is my birthday" birthday. But I am telling you, precious internet.

For the last year I have thought that I would be on a beach, sipping a margarita, while some man who resembled Taye Diggs put sun block on my back. But do you know where I will be on Monday?

At work.

When I realized that the beach dream probably wouldn't come true, I rallied. I thought: I can go to the river. I love the river. Problem is, I don't have anyone to go down the river with. And that, Internet, is sad.

I could go down the river alone, drinking a pitcher of margaritas and wreaking havoc, but if I hit some rapids and am standing on my raft proclaiming how I am loving being 30 and that I am the queen of the river, I could tip over and hit my head on a rock. And since I would be alone, no one would be there to fish me out.

So. I am going to work. I have taken the day off, but doing nothing seems worse than sitting at my desk feeling sorry for myself.

I want to be on a beach and have natives to dance around me and proclaim how virile and lovely I am on my 30th birthday. Instead, I will eat a banana in my office and probably have some coworker complain how we are out of post-it notes. But when you think about it, it's really the same thing.

My dog has friends... of sorts

2005-06-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

I love Simon - For those of you who know Simon - he is a sweet mutt of a dog whose parents were a sheltie and a daschund.

Here is sweet Simon...

He has made friends here in the lone star state. I think he is lonely. Because his friends are..... a roadrunner and a little frog.

The roadrunner is CRAZY and sits on my swing every afternoon and proceeds to deficate all over it. AND he squawks and Simon kind of talks back. The stupid bird has crazy hair and I need him to stop pooping on my swing.

The frog has taken up residence in Simon's bowl. Simon doesn't seemed phased and nor does the frog. When Simon wants to drink, he just nudges the frog. The frog doesn't hop out - he just hops to the side.

I am afraid my dog is unbalanced and we need to get him a playmate. Or maybe I need to spend more time with him. In fact, I think I am going to get him right now and love on him.

On another note - Chocolate Soy Milk is yummy.

Also - I like the new Kroger in Byram, MS. Go Byram.

I need a camera phone

2005-06-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

Excitement abounds.

I was just at Wal-Mart and was on the phone with TJF telling him about how Nick Nolte lives in our neighborhood (and TJF was telling me that he was at a bar featuring poetry readings and watching belly dancing, but that is another story) and who walks around the corner as I hang up the phone?

Nick Nolte.

He mows his lawn and goes to Wal-Mart. All in the 'hood.

I am taking donations for a camera phone. With said phone, I will post photos of Nick Nolte doing mundane things. Come on, dontcha wanna give me a phone?

Thanks Kenny Rogers

2005-06-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

Today I was driving around (and I was feeling frustrated because people were tromping through my home, looking through closets and such and all I wanted to be is at home asleep in my bed) and I was flipping radio stations.

Kenny Rogers paid me the nicest compliment. He said no one sings love songs quite like I do. Thanks Kenny. You made my day.

Also, I think I saw Nick Nolte mowing his lawn in my neighborhood. I think I will stalk him and get him to come mow my lawn since I killed the mower this weekend. I swear it is Nick Nolte. I will get a photo and post it.

Also, for you viewing pleasure.... http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/

The grass is greener...

2005-06-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

For those who don't know, hubby left Thursday to move out of state to go to grad school. So now I am a single woman homeowner left to do all the "tasks" that were his responsibility. And I don't know what I am doing.

Yesterday I mowed a lawn for the first time. Yes, I was walking around my yard, struggling with the mower and sporting the hair of a porn star.

I got my hair cut before I decided to undertake this new adventure.

I thought: "Sassy, you need some encouragement and you have split ends... It's time for a trim!" I love my "stylist" (I know... it's pretentious to say "stylist", but I said it), but yesterday, I think she was smoking the crack rock. She said, "Do you want me to blow dry it?" and I thought for moment and weighed the options and decided that I would like dry hair to mow the lawn. I pictured grass bits getting stuck to my wet head and opted for dry.

Well, she dried. And straightened. And curled. And teased. By the end, I looked like a porn star - Sassy McMelons.

So I mowed the yard. I have blisters on my hands (do normal people get blisters on their hands when they do this? I think not... what the hell is wrong with me?) and am fighting with tall grass. But I had porn star hair. Hair that said, "I like a 3-way". Great.

The only plus is, a man DID stop and ask if I need help. I declined and kept pushing the damn thing. Who knew the power of Porn Star hair?

Johnny Appleseed... the man behind the myth

2005-05-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

Today, in a fit of creativity, my comprade (who I shall refer to as Chi-town Sally) and I decided to tell the "true" store of Johnny Appleseed.

Here it is for your reading pleasure:

JOHNNY APPLESEED – MAN VS. MYTH

MYTH:
I think it's a compliment to be called Johnny Appleseed. Johnny gave joy to people all over the world by planting apple seeds with love and before you know it you have healthy delicious red and green apples for everybody to eat and you know what those where the best apples they probably had in there life. Not because they where big and delicious but with every bite you can taste love. That is my mission in life, I want people to say when I talk to Gerald I feel love, I feel full of happiness and joy because love taste so good!!!

THE REAL MAN:
Johnny Appleseed was paid by "the man" - The marketing machine for apples (Apple Seed, Inc.) He was paid a handsome salary to plant the seeds everywhere. At the time, no one was interested in apples. They weren't "en vogue". So Apple Seed, Inc. hired William K. Smitherson, gave him a costume, changed his name to Johnny Appleseed and gave him a lot of booze to keep up the "persona" of happy Johnny.

Really, Johnny (Aka, Bill Smitherson) was heavy into the hashish. He fathered children all over the country as he "planted his seeds". The woman found out that he was hired by "Apple Seed Inc." and sued them for paternity. They later settled out of court. Johnny was no doer of good, my friend. He was hired by the corporate machine to change the public's perception of a red little seedy fruit. While he did that, he fathered countless children and started many barroom fights, many which ended in bloodshed.

Apparently Johnny had a liking for the ladies in the oldest profession who tended to "walk" the streets late at night. During his off season Johnny harvested grapes that were as plump and sultry as the ladies he often visited (and fathered children with).

So he turned his out of season down time into a fortune by investing the little money "the man" allowed him to keep and what wasn't eaten up in child support to purchase a liquor distillery. At first it was the backwoods "white liquor" as we refer to it now. Over the years, it has developed to a sultry smooth brown beverage enjoyed by womanizers all around the world. That’s right folks, Johnny Walker.

Where'd it go?

2005-05-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

O.k. I was making my blog rounds (as I do nightly) and I went to my brotha's blog (bo hica and the famous Life and Times of Larry Bud Melman). And it is gone. Kaput. No longer with us. Decesased.

What happened? Can anyone clue me in? I am wondering if life is worth living.

Whip it out.

2005-05-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

Yes. I need you to whip it out. The big one.

Your wallet.

Why? Because if you don't, Toby will die.

A cute little bunny named Toby will be eaten if we don't donate.

Stop donating to causes like cancer research and orphans with missing limbs.... This is a true cause.

Whhhhhhhhat?

2005-05-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

Curtis Shows Off His Birthday Suit
Movie great Tony Curtis is celebrating his upcoming 80th birthday by baring all in the pages of the new Vanity Fair magazine. The Some Like It Hot star went nude, holding his pet Yorkshire terriers Daphne and Josephine to cover his genitals, at his Henderson, Nevada, home for the candid shot.

Source: IMDB.com

Phone Interview

2005-05-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

I have a phone interview on Wednesday and I have never done of these before. In person, I know how to make a good impression - Make sure shoes are shined, smile, pay attention to the details, firm handshake, make eye contact, etc. but I don't know how to do this on a phone interview.... I don't think they will notice if my shoes are shined.

Any suggestions?

2005-05-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

Mole, This is for you!

Here he is.... The ONE.... The ONLY....

2005-05-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

MR. TOILET PAPER!!!!!!

Actually, I found this wee one (tee-hee) on Microsoft Office Clipart and I thought, "Why?". But then, I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if toilet paper could talk and had arms and legs?".

But then I thought about that for a second. I mean I really thought about it. And I decided that would make me cry. And it probably is better if toilet paper has no personality or soul.

Life is better with soulless toilet paper. I am going to put that on a shirt. In fact, I like it so much, I just did. Please check out Sassy McDougal's l'il shop - http://www.cafepress.com/mcsassy for all of your TP soul apparel.

So...... Here is Mr. Toilet Paper...... What would you name him?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2005-05-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

I am taking a poll. What do you want to be when you grow up? When I was a Freshman in college, I took a "Career Explorations" class. I took a whole slew of personality/career aptitude tests and discovered that my career destiny was to be a:

Funeral Director
Broadcast Journalist
Acrobat (Seriously, that was one)

I am thinking I need to change careers.... So I am taking a poll:

what do you want to be when you grow up
and what should I be?

Chinese Food

2005-05-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

I have discovered a gem - Four stars chicken (ask the waiter to have them make it extra spicy). It is the best thing in the whole entire world. It has fresh veggies, chicken breast and a spicy sauce. I love it. I do.

The hell you say...

2005-05-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

Well, it turns out Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger got married. Now, I don't have issue with this. I don't know them. But what does befuddle me is the way that they were able to keep it a secret. (JLo, take note)

I heard the news this evening as I made my nightly visit to Target (who has moved it's toy section back to toys and the men's underwear now resides with the men's clothing... all is right with the world) to purchase laundry detergent, a cola icee (notice: I did not say Coke. I said Cola. And it tasted like Sam's Cola... or worse: Shasta), and body wash. As I heard the news I was so suprised I almost hit the car in front of me. I am amazed that they married. I don't even know why I feel that I get to comment, but its my blog and comment I must.

They don't strike me as a couple. I mean how does one go from Jack White to Kenny Chesney? Maybe deep down they are the same: Scared little boys who just like to play their music. Or they both like S&M. Or they both make killer chocolate chip cookies. Who knows?

Best wishes to the odd couple. More power to you.

Paula Abdul is possibly a dirty lady - and possibly not

2005-05-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

But why, oh why would anyone risk scandal with Corey Clark?

Yes. I know that I should not care. I am aware that this is trash. But I was drawn to American Idol's season 2 disqualified contestant Corey Clark's story on Primetime Live like a kid with Cheetos fingers is drawn to white upholstery.

O.k. So he says that he was "coached" and loved up by Paula Abdul. And he says that these allegations have nothing to do with the fact that his album is about to drop. His quote is: "I need to set the record straight for myself." Right.

I am not standing up for Paula here. I think she is nuts with her arms flailing about and boobs bobbing, so maybe they are meant to be. If you are going to cause a scandal, don't make it with Corey Clark.... Actually don't make it with any male contestant on American Idol... they are all high on the "ick" factor.

Paula, you want to hook up with a hot, younger man? The guy that makes my iced skinny latte at Starbucks is a god. Call me. I'll introduce you.

2005-05-04T15:58:00.001-07:00

The monkey in my office.

2005-05-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

Simon the Wonderdog

Target is for Chester

2005-05-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

O.k. I love Target. I adore Target. I can't get me enough of Target. But something happened today and I don't know how to feel about it. Confused. Bothered. My dear, sweet Target... what the hell are you thinking?

Target is putting down a new floor. Great. Keep it fresh, Target. They are doing it sections so as not to disrupt business too much. Spiffy. Way to go, Target.

Lately, when I have gone there and I am looking for detergent I will find that area is a barren mass of concrete and will have to go search for detergent near the gardening supplies. It's like a treasure hunt. Thanks Target. You know how to keep me guessin'.

Today.... well, today was another matter. I was trying on a shirt and I see that men's clothing has moved to where the lingerie used to be. O.k. I can deal. The lingerie is now crammed in the women's clothing. That's fine. Women's clothes are all one big happy family.

But then I notice Toys. Yes, they have moved toys. "Where?" you might ask. To a dark little corner of the store.

Guess what is lining the back walls of this dark corner of the store? Guess.... Fluffy bunnies? Nope.
Other toys? Nope.
Sugary gum drops? Nope.
Men's tighty-whiteys. Yes. Men's underwear. In a dark corner. Lining the back walls of the toy aisles.

"Hey little girl... You like Polly Pocket? Put your hand in my pocket." Ewwwwwwwwww.

Don't tell Michael Jackson.

Target.... What were you thinking?

CRZSQL in da' house

2005-05-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

Hi all 3 of my readers... I have been on a little hiatus. I had the pleasure of visiting with the Dukes of Hazzard and Asshat.

But I am back.

I am searching for a new dentist, so if anyone has any recommendations please let me know. I am not that picky.

I would like the dentist's office to be clean and the dentist to make a habit of washing his/her hands.
I would like there to be TV in the ceiling so that I can watch Oprah give away cars and stuff while I am getting my teeth cleaned.
I want the chair to massage my back whilst I lay.
I also want a nice lady (who also makes a habit of washing her hands) to give me a pedicure during the x-ray portion of the exam.
This is not a must, but it WOULD be nice if a small child would brush my hair and tell me that I am pretty.

These things are really not too much to ask. If anyone has any recommendations, please let me know.

I am not anti-charity

2005-04-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

I just want to get that out of the way right away. I think that charity is a worthwhile thing and that people should find a way to give (time, money, etc.) in a way that is meaningful to them and the charity. Symbiotic relationship, really - Kind of like the egret and the cow.

Anyway, everyone at work seems to be getting their butts thrown in jail for the MDA (muscular dystrophy association) "LockUP". I know, it is a great cause and a clever fundraiser. BUT, I don't need to have 50 e-mails from coworkers begging me to donate money for them to meet their $1800 bail. HELLO. $1800.

Everyone is asking and getting all huffy because I am not "bailing them out of jail." Jail is at Outback Steakhouse, people. Eat some steak. Make a shank out of a toothbrush. Knit a poncho. Have sex with an inmate. Do all the jailtime stuff.

Just because I can't donate $100 per person for all those people, doesn't mean I don't support charities. Honestly, I work in higher education.... which means I can't pay $1 per person for 50 people.

I donate money to the charities that I support. And that's it. I don't run around saying "I'm going on a hunger strike and won't eat one little bite of this cheeseburger unless you pay $2000 to the Human Fund... when I starve it will be on your head.... think of all those... humans."

On another note - Ray Lamontagne - You still rock.

And Sassy's got a big old butt, oh yeah...

2005-04-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

Do you remember that song "Big Ole Butt" by LL Cool J?

Well, Sassy's bout to have a big ole butt. Why? Cause I made a coffee milkshake and I can't seem to stop drinking it. It is great. Oh yeah.

I am going to pull a Zach Braff here....

2005-04-25T22:45:00.000-07:00

and recommend music. I have been listening to this song for 2 days... It is heavy shades of Van Morrison to me. (and probably to you, if you will venture to move your arm, click the link and listen to it.)

It is great.

Ray LaMontagne - "Trouble"
- Windows Version
- Quick Time

For more of his mellow music, go to: http://www.raylamontagne.com/listen.php

Monday's List of Things I Will Not Do This Week

2005-04-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

This week, I have decided to start anew with a list of things that I won't do.

"What? Why?," you might ask. (or you might not). "This seems negative," you say quietly to the little gnome that lives in a shoebox tucked away in the back of your closet (you know he's there.... to the right of that box of Lisa Frank stickers from jr. high... don't deny it OR the box of stickers).

Because. It's my blog and I wanna. So there.

1. I will not dance in a hallway and sing "she's a bad mama jama" in front of co-workers. I learned my lesson last week.

2. I will not feel obligated to donate money to support little Jane's or Johnny's school book fund, cookie sale, or PTO orgy night.

3. I will not let my dog go another week without a bath. (Simon.... seriously.... you need a bath something fierce. I love you and your little bandana and I know that you don't like baths, but it's gonna happen)

I will add more to this list as I think of things that I won't do.

It's Friday, people... FRIDAY!

2005-04-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

I love Friday. Friday is Fried Day!

I want to dance. I want to shake my booty. I want to sing in the streets and run through fields of flowers. I want to pull a Paris Hilton and booze it up and dance on tables. I want to hug a hobo and high-five a leprechaun!

Road Trip

2005-04-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sassy and her friends are thinking about taking a little summer road trip and causing some trouble on the open road. A certain friend and I were watching a fashion show on BET this evening and noticed a young man wearing a gold speedo and red earmuffs. Instead of muttering "why?" like I am sure most sane people would, we thought: "why not?"

We are thinking of taking this look to the next level. On our trip, I will go to the beach and rock my outfit: bikini, legwarmers and knitted hat (with earflaps). My certain friend will also rock out the beach with her extraordinary fashion sense: bikini, scarf and mittens. Possibly fur lined boots.

We think we will look amazing.

Maryland in Springtime & Chick Fil A

2005-04-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

My friend Caroline has officially joined a new lunch bunch in Maryland. While I am happy for her and her lunch bunch, Texas mourns the loss.

On another note (kind of lunch-related), I love Chick Fil A. I love their styrofoam cups and their nice plastic straws. I love their choice of dipping sauces. I love it when you ask for extra pickles and the person behind the counter says, "My Pleasure". I know they are told to, but I don't care. I pretend like they do care. And it is their pleasure to put extra pickles on my sandwich. I imagine that they person making my sandwich says, "This girl wants extra pickles...Well, bless her heart.... . I would LOVE to give her more pickles.... whatever her little heart desires."

Question for mi hermano

2005-04-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Hey brother....

This is official (for the world to see). Instead of calling and asking like a normal human being, I am broadcasting this on my blog.

I will be in town next weekend for a certain interview and wanted to know if I could come visit on Friday night and play some trivia, talk about harry mayer's parking situation and new store, and maybe end up at the HoJO. Please let me know if you have other plans (like dwarf tossing or cleaning your lint trap on your dryer). It is just a thought.

Pope

2005-04-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

I was expecting more pomp and circumstance with the election of the new pope. When I heard about the release of doves and white smoke, I envisioned a scene to rival David Copperfield (or GOB) - Picture it: a balcony - White smoke fills the balcony (the crowds await with baited breath) and a release of white doves fill the sky. When the smoke clears, the new pope is standing on the balcony in his official robes - The crowd cheers. The world sings. All is right and joyous.

Instead, I get white smoke from a sad little smoke stack and some bells. I need to act as a consultant on the next papal ceremony.

Shopping & Hubby-Talk

2005-04-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday - Oh, I love Saturday. A day dedicated to nothing. aaaahhhh. bliss.

I met my friend at the mall and we shopped and had hours of girl-talk. I think that the 2 of us together attract crazy people. One lady came up to us in the shoe dept. and asked us what we thought about the outfit she had chosen because she was color blind. Hello, people. Color blind.

So then she tells us how she gained 28 lbs and she needed a new outfit and made us pick out her clothes and shoes. Belt and all. We couldn't get rid of her. She set up shop in the shoe dept. and had different choices strewn all over the shoe displays. She made me pick out her sweater and told me to choose the one I thought was best.

Then we met my hubs for drinks at a restaurant. It went well. Wow. That is a sentence I haven't seen in a while.

61st or 62nd birthday

2005-04-16T01:14:00.000-07:00

I went out tonight and helped celebrate a co-workers 61st or 62nd birthday. To the delight of all, she did not pinch co-worker's bottoms or slur her words. She did however tell me that she had not had botox.

Whoopee.

Some man (who had a 14 year old, 12 year old and 5 year old IN A BAR) came up to me and began to talk about his boat, his new home, his successful business, his luck at gambling, and his convertible. I labeled him a big MIDLIFE crisis. He labeled me a challenge. He bought us beer. It worked out well. He told me that by playing the $5 blackjack table (he plays the $100 minimum bet table) I was wasting my time. I was thinking, "We all gamble.... You are wasting your time talking to me." But still, with cocky attitude and obnoxious mouth, he persisted.

We left soon after he talked the band into wishing my friend a happy birthday. Yeppers. He was a winner. He and his $100 minimum bets.

Hot Dogs, Chips and Gerber Daisies

2005-04-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

I love daisies. They are so happy.

We are having an event on Monday for our office. Today we had 1000 hot dog buns and 1000 bags of chips delivered. I am going to build a fort out of the boxes and hide out the rest of the day.

Reincarnation

2005-04-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

(aka: proof that anything can happen....)

Wow.... Check this out. Adam Sandler's "The Wedding Singer" is going to be a Broadway musical.

Coming next: "Waterboy" the Musical

Oh, Glorious Pay Day!

2005-04-15T07:48:00.000-07:00

I would like to take this time to honor a lyrical genius - Johnny Kemp

- "Who?"
- "Johnny Kemp."
- "Who the -?"
- "You know, the guy that sang that Friday night gettin' paid song?"
- "That was Bobby Brown"
- "No man... That was Johnny Kemp."
- "Are you sure it wasn't Bobby Brown?"

As I said, lyrical genius....

Just Got Paid, Friday night
Party hopping, feeling fine.
Body shaking, all around
No one thinks when you're getting down.

Check the mirror, looking fly
Round up my posse, jump in my ride.
Radio rocking, a monster jam.
Feel the rhythm, pump up the sound.

Feeling so good, don`t you know I`m just grooving to the beat.
Grooving, grooving, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Just got paid, Friday night
Party hopping, place is right
Booty shaking, all around
Pump the jam, when I`m gettin down

2005-04-15T00:24:00.000-07:00

Gavin McLeod says, "Nighty-night boys and girls. Don't let things get too rough on the high seas."

- Keep it in your pants, Gavin.

Shower

2005-04-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

My shower was so amazing. So amazing, in fact, that I am going to write a haiku to my shower.

oatmeal, lavender
Recipe: relaxation
what blissful repose

Arizona Diet Green Tea

2005-04-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

I love it... It is delicious.

Shout out to Bohica. Mad props to you for knowing the state holidays for the "Great State of Mississippi". Yeah bitches. Mad props.

I was in Marshalls this evening and this woman was desperately trying to navigate the cart while keeping track of her FOUR children. Her daughter jumped out from a rack of silk camisoles to scare me and then "oops" she bumped her head on my purse. Don't know how that happened. This poor woman whose one goal in that one moment was to find a turquoise tank to go with floral skirt, looked at me and said, "My children are monsters". I said, "No", but I was thinking "hell yes they are". I gave her a sympathetic look and then fled the scene as fast as my legs and my biological clock could take me.

Tacos, nachos & such

2005-04-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

My friend Christina and I decided to head across the street to Taco Cabana for lunch. There I order my usual - a one taco combo (chicken soft) which comes with a drink and queso and chips for the grand total of $2.99 (after tax: $3.18).

We sat outside and enjoyed the breeze and the sun on our faces and discussed how much money someone would have to pay us to eat a roasted grasshopper. My mother says they are a good source of protein. Christina decided that her price would be $500. My thought is IF my water (utilities) were about to be turned off AND I would incur a lot of charges to turn it back on, I would do it for $50 IF it were smothered in queso. After all people... I loves me some queso.

First Try

2005-04-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

Well, here I go: My first post in the wonderful world of blogging. I guess now I can quit living vicariously through other people's life (blogs) and start living my own and then people can live through mine. Or at least check it once every year or somethin'.

I am thinking that I should post a photo and a profile, etc, but for now I will just be an enigma smothered in secret sauce.

I will post more later...

Nighty-night. (I thought that should be blue.... I don't know why)